Don't sweat the small stuff, only the big stuff matters

I go on and on about how the things in my life stress me about, but there are more important things. I found out today that a friend of mine has cancer. I don't know what to do for her. In my mind,I want to hold and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay, but I know in reality, life doesn't like that. In reality, bad things do happen.

I talked to a consult who told me that there is nothing I can do, but pray and be there if she needs someone to talk to. I broke down in tears becuz I want to be there through the process. But she is so far away.

All I can do is pray. Hope for the best. But accept things eventually.

Tired of the Drama

updating later today. So freakin tired. too much on my mind.

maybe a little bit. wally and I saw each other today. As much as I try to run away from my problems, the best way is to encounter it. I'm not much of a confronter. I stare at my jewelery from high school and I wonder " what happened to the girl who was fearless and used to pick fights with others." Basically, she's tucked away somewhere waiting to come out.

::sigh:: i need a vacation. Update later

2nd week of school - Your life is a soap opera

Monday was fun. Julian and Duc went shopping to the mall. However, I got a call from Carly letting me know that Aileen was in the hospital. She was involved in a motor vehicle accident. This made me really sad becuz I felt like i lost someone close to me. I visited her at the hospital and she was fine.

I found out that miss Cadie is indeed a fake. Whenever I'm around her, she rolls her eyes at me. she thinks I don't see it, but I do. I know she's two-faced and it does not surprise me. I will still look after her though because sooner or later, she is going to need a friend.

Mike did call me. He told me we can't be friends right now. I miss him. I miss confiding in him and I miss him giving me weird tangents to go off on. He hopes we can reconcile in the future. I hope so. I'm trying to stay strong.

So I have a fake boyfriend

I have a boyfriend and his name is Fontanilla. He's a very adorable and handsome guy from Murrietta. He has a voice that I like listening to and he's very down-to-earth yet random at times. Sometimes we talk until 3 or 4 in the morning (i got in trouble on sunday for talking to wally until 130 am). He listens attentively and is very studious about school. Sounds perfect right? We're not really together...its a fake relationship.

It all started because a guy from my group started to bother me. He would hit on me and check me out (which I would catch him do many times). I had already talked to him twice about how I do not like him, but still it continues. The guys in the group have talked to him, but still he likes me. In addition, whenever i am talking to someone, he randomly tries to wedge his way into our conversation. He also comments on most of my statuses.

Wally and I were talking about it one night and he suggested that he and I be on a fake relationship. he likes pulling pranks on his friends. we constructed our stories of how we met and how we went on a couple of dates with one another. His and my friends fell for it.

Today I went to CSUSM to go visit wally. we were supposed to go take photos, but we ended up studying in the library. I gave him some pancit with ribs, cough drops, vitamin c packets, and a condom (jk). He enjoyed it...i think. I read his post previously in the day and i decided to bring him something to eat since he might have been stressed. We took the photo above. I also punched in the arm becuz he was being a tease.

Later, i got home and my friends were congratulating me on the relationship between me and Wally. It was funnie that they were congratulating me. However, I felt sad. I really do miss being in a relationship. I miss someone protecting me and holding me when I'm sad or scared. I want to fill that emotional void, but I'm going to be strong and not let it get to me. I talked to Jen and she told me that she felt that I was trying to get rid of the feelings. She was right, I do want to get rid of the inadequate feelings I have been having because i don't want to get hurt. She thinks I have commitment issues. I admit I do. Its hard for me to trust a guy after the asshole. I don't want to invest anything into a guy unless i know for a fact he really is into me and not talking to some girl on the side.

Jen (11:44:51 PM): you said something about want to or how you need to get rid of a feeling and i said something about how it'll come back cuz there's something more it for whatever reason...
me(11:45:01 PM): oh
me(11:45:07 PM): cuz i want to be with a certain person
jen (11:45:23 PM): sure if you believe that's true
jen(11:46:14 PM): and there's something stopping you so instead of confronting it you want to get rid of it

Carly thinks Wally and I should really go out, but I told her there are complicated factors. She suggested I go out with Ducky, but I can't go out with him without pissing off my sister.

so thursday we are breaking up.

First week of school

Ugh! Sometimes returning back to school can be dreaded or looked forward to. One would want to see their friends, reacquaint with fraternity members discussing about the o so wonderful summer memories, and going back to school to return to that familiar routine of studying, reading, and learning. However, some of us do not want to go back to school for the following reasons: seeing a friend after an awkward confession, retaking that class you failed, realizing that you need to change your major (again) and its a long way before you graduate, encountering a rival, dealing with fraternity/sorority drama, and/or realizing you do not have friends in college. ::sigh::

A few days ago, Mina and I discussed how we sometimes feel like outsiders in APO. There's so many cliques that we do not feel like we belong. Instead, we have our own individual friends within the fraternity. For me, its Mina, Asumi, Nika, and Ashley.Big Bro says to give it another chance. I feel like a pain in the ass lil since I don't really talk to my big bro. I should though since he's always there for me if I need him. He rocks. Hopefully, Mina and I will continue this fall with APO. If she doesn't, I guess I will continued without her and put a smile on my face the entire time. I do not want to let my Big down.

As for the guys in Monty Krew, I'm having trouble seeing Long and Mike again. Wednesday was the first time I've seen Long since my confession. When he walked into Montezuma Hall, my breath was stolen away. He looks amazing and then I realize that I shouldn't have said anything and continued with my life. I'm having regrets about telling Long how I felt, but I'm glad we can still be friends. Its harder for me to be friends with him, especially since he confirmed with me that he is now with Shannon. Julian was busting my balls when I told him what happened. He told me " you both fucked up." According to Julian, I fucked up by not continuing to talk to Long and Long fucked up by not talking to me. In addition, we never really talked about it...but in my mind, I don't think there is anything to talk about. Long will always be my friends, despite how I feel for him. I saw him again today, it was somewhat awkward.

THursday was the first time I saw Mike since our little ordeal. I think he has trouble with me or Monty Krew. I'm not sure which it is...he's never around. I think he's sick an tired of people judging him and he's not used to be people being touchy feely. I wish he would say hi so I know everything is fine. But knowing him, he's not gonna say anything to anyone unless he HAS to.

Returning back to sdsu gives me back those doubts I had about myself. During the summer I didn't have to worry about socializing and staying on top of my studies. Now, socializing is a huge part of my life and everyone invites me to parties or club events. I want to go to club events since that is where I let loose, but I can't...not for a while. maybe when this semester is done.

In other news, I had a dream about JP. It made me wonder how he was doing and what is going on in his life, but in reality, its best I do not know. If we cross paths, I will say hi...but now I want to focus on me. Additionally, Kenneth does not know how to take a hint. Several times I have told him that I do not like him. Guess what? He still hits on me and he tries to always be around. Its starting to get old. I told Paolo about Kenneth and he suggested we act like a couple in Monty Hall. Paolo and I posed as a couple today, cuddling on the couch together. Paolo is the best cuddle buddy ever.

This semester I need to get all As. Not too much partying or socializing during the week. If i want to party, it has to be on the weekend. I want to date, but I do not think I can take it. As long as I have good friends and have good friends to return to, i will always be happy. If i'm not happy here in sd, I can always go to irvine where I will be elated.